What can I say about a girl I love since I was ten… that I love the way she laughs at me when I commit mistakes.. The way fusses over silly things and even the way she cries over some silly late night show. Somehow, I wished I could have told her that I love her, but there's no hope in doing so. For now, it's rather too late for me to do so.
She was my best friend and I have known her since we were small. She knew all my secrets, which reveals my true feelings for her, that I love her not because she's pretty and smart but also by the way she laughs at everything and the way she sees life and love.
I could still remember the first time we met. I was five years old then. It was one windy afternoon, no one to play with except my best friend, Troy. He and his family just moved out to transfer to a neighboring state because his father got employed.
And so I climbed our tree house. I saw a moving truck coming down the street. I watched it approaching and noticed a family wagon following. It was about to glance away when out came the loveliest girl I've ever seen. She had long curly hair, which reached almost her waist. She had fair complexion and eyes, which would make a man lose her heart into them. I continued to watch her. Suddenly, she looked up and saw me watching them in the tree house window. I was about to duck when she smiled and waved her hand. I waved back then watched in amazement as I saw her running towards the tree house. So I went to the edge of the ladder and said, "Would you like to climbed up?" she answered, "May I?" So I helped her climbed up, and when she reached the top, she turned to me and said, "By the way my name's Sam. What's yours?" I answered, "My name is Christopher. But then you can call me Chris." She smiled and said, "Well, I like your name. Hey, your tree house's neat!" then I replied, "Thanks! Troy and I made this. This used to be our hideout. We used to goof around, play ball and go biking together. He was my best friend and I kind of miss him you know." She smiled and said, "I'm here now. We could do the things you do with Troy and I could be your new best friend like before, so it could be exciting to have one. I could learn to play ball and I have my own bicycle so we could go biking together. Now, how does that sound to you?" I smiled and said. "Well, that sounds good to me." Then she held my hand and said, "It's a deal then!" So, that's how it started.
So we became best friends and it was kind of strange at first for she was a girl and there are things, which I was a little bit hesitant to indulge her like catching frogs, swimming in the lake, and climbing trees. But then she tried and did everything just to please me. There was even a time when she fell off the bike trying to catch up with me in a race we had and I was the one who bandaged her scraped knee. I could still recall the time when she hit the window of our neighbor when we were playing basketball and it was I who talked to Mr. Chambers and promised to pay for the damage, which meant having to lose a week's allowance. I remembered the time when I fell off the tree when I tried to rescue a kitten because Sam was near to tears when she saw the helpless kitten trapped in a branch. I even fought with tough guys when they teased Sam and made her cry and I ended up having a black eye and a bruised cheek. I remembered Sam crying as she placed an ice bag over the damaged eye and later gave a get-well kiss. I did everything to please her and gave everything her little heart desires.
The lake was our favorite place to hang out. We had our Saturday swim routine. We would pack our food and later eat them under the big oak tree. There was a special branch in which the two of us could sit together and tell each other's dreams. She dreams of being a ballerina and she knows my dream of becoming a doctor. She never laughs at my dreams and pursuits even if they were quite impossible. It made me like her even more.
As years went by, I noticed that my feeling toward her is slowly changing. Somehow, I thought it was just a simple crush case. But then, I started thinking about her at night, dreaming of her and having the feeling of wanting to be with her all the time. It made me feel alive. Whenever our hands touched, I could feel the tingling sensation in my spine. Once we were in the lake having our Saturday swim routine, and as I carried her towards the water edge, I had the feeling of not wanting to let go. I just wanted that moment to continue, hoping it would never end. I then realized I was slowly falling helplessly in love with my best friend.
Many times, I tried to deny the feelings for I was scared to imagine of what would happen if ever I'd try to tell her how I feel about her. I was scared because she might think that I'm taking advantage of her and our friendship. I was afraid of losing her so I just kept my feelings hidden.
We reached the age of fifteen and I noticed that Sam grew lovelier each day. How many heartaches I get whenever I see boys glance her way. I want to punch their noses as I watch them talking to her and giving some compliments, flowers, and chocolates. There were times when I watched her at a distant with mixed feelings of anger and hurt, because she might see me only as a friend. I was also scared of letting her know how I feel about her as much as losing her.
Then one day, I just learned from a friend that she already has a boyfriend. At first, I tried to convince myself that it was just a rumor. Her boyfriend was Mark, a popular senior, who was the heartthrob of the campus. She, being the cheerleader, was close to the parking lot that afternoon, I watched her with my heart slowly breaking into pieces. I saw her waved at me, but I just pretended not to see her for I was scared that she might see in my eyes the pain I'm feeling inside because of seeing her with another guy.
These days that followed were the saddest days of my life. How my heart aches when I see her walk by me, which makes me want to grab her from him. How it hurts to see, that the girl I long to possess, is owned by someone else! That special smile, which I long for her to cast on me, was now already castled on him. As she passed by, she doesn't know that I whispered the words.. "God, how I love you!"
Then one faithful day, they broke up. She came to me that evening crying on my shoulder. They had a big fight and it ended up to their breakup. Mixed feelings were scaring inside me. I was happy because she was free and maybe I would have the chance of telling her my true feelings for her. But I was so sad because she was crying her hand out just for him. At that time, I was not quite sure what I wanted to do.
So we found ourselves doing what we did in old days with our Saturday swim routine, spending in our tree house. We still enjoy doing childish pranks, for we still are both young at heart.
So many chances I had for me to confess my feelings for her. But still, I found not bring myself to her foot for I was scared of losing her once more. I once lost her, now I could not bear losing her again by telling her "I love her." So, I just kept my feelings even if it was bursting to be express from my aching heart.
It was a week from our JS prom. We were seated at the branch of an oak tree drying ourselves after our afternoon swim when she said, "I was wondering Chris, if you would like to be my partner." I just got out of my wits for it was like a dream I never thought would happened. It took me awhile to answer her, "Well, I just thought there are so many boys who would die, just for you to be their partner." So then she turned away and quietly said, "Well, I just thought I would like to spend the night with my best friend." Then she continued in a whisper I could barely hear, "Don't you want to do, just like them to be my partner, Chris?" I was so stunned to speak for it comes close to me to blurt my feelings for her. We were silent for a while until I finally whispered, "I would be happy to be your partner, Sam." Then she smiled and suddenly kissed my cheek. I could hardly contain the joy that I feel that time. I saw her turned and bowed her head. Suddenly, she stood and ran towards the water saying, "Last one to reach the water treats the sundae fudge!" I ran but slowed up so that I would lose, which meant having to be with her for another three hours or more.
Our prom night came; I bought a tuxedo and poured almost all the bottled perfume. I want to fetch Sam. Sam's mother greeted me and I went to sit in the living room waiting for her to calm down. I was talking to her father when I hear her say, "How do I look?" I looked up and saw her lovelier than ever in a strapless white dress with her hair blowing her face. I stood up, opened my mouth, but found out I could not find my voice. Then I got her hand shakily, fastened the corsage around her waist and whispered, "To the loveliest girl in the world." She then asked, "Is that true?" I nodded and she smiled and I smiled back. Then I turned and open the door for her.
When we arrived at the gymnasium, we hardly recognized our classmates. Gone were the jeans and T-shirts. Tuxedos and gowns replaced them. Then, I held her hand, bowed and said, "Would you give me the honor of your first dance?" She laughed and curt eyed. Then I led her to the dance floor.
It was like a dream come true. A moment of enchantment. I was there dancing with the only girl I've ever loved. She was smiling up to me, as we were slowly moving in a smooth gliding motion. I found myself lost as I stared down to her sparkling eyes. The curls of her long hair were like wave enhancing her beautiful face. There were so many things I wanted to tell her that moment. I wanted to tell her that she was the most beautiful girl that night. I wanted to tell her that she would always be the beacon of light in the darkness. But what I wanted to tell her most is that, I LOVE HER. I drew up all my courage and bent to whisper it in her ear. But suddenly, the music stopped and the music was gone. I came close in telling still. I haven't done it.
We walked towards the table and found ourselves surrounded by friends. I asked her if she wanted a drink. She nodded and so I went to get one. It took me a long time to get one. And when I returned to our table, she was gone. I asked her friend Cathy, where she was but she told me she doesn't know. So I went up and searched for her.
As I was searching for her, I reached the garden. There, I saw silhouette figures outlined by the moon's silvery light. They were so close to each other. I could never describe the feeling that I had when I recognized the white dress Sam was wearing that night. I just turned and left the gymnasium.
Since that night, I avoided her. Many times she tried talking to me but I never gave her the chance to do so. I was afraid to hear her say that she loves Mark and not me. I would rather had left in ignorance of her feelings than hear from her those dreaded words and feel my hope crush and my heart break. I didn't d her returned calls. I would not see her if she comes into our home, in the hallways. As she approaches, I would go to another direction. It also hurts to do those things, but then it was what I thought was the best way to forget her. Those months were tormenting, but still I kept my pride.
The day of our graduation came, I was planning to take up medicine at the neighboring state and move out the next day. As the program ended, she approached me and handed me a rose. As she stared at me, there was something in her eyes that I could not describe. There was sadness in them. And when she smiled, it wasn't the same smile she gave me. I wanted to hug her at that moment.. Tell her that I love her, but then she turned and walked away from me.
I moved out the next day as I planned. I was accepted at the University. I concentrated with my studies, but still I think of her at night. I was always wondering if she thinks of me too. I tried hard not to think of her, but still I could not stop myself from loving her. There were times when I wanted to write her, but I was too proud to do so. I thought that if I will be successful one day, I would be able to tell her that I love her, and by that time, I'm worthy of loving her.
It was a year now after our graduation when I decided to return home and see her again. I thought a year is too much for me not to see her. During the past year, I felt like a person lost in the desert and only the sight of her could quench the thirst I have inside. As I got off the place, I went home directly, desperate to get her house.. Desperate to see her and hug her.
Then I would tell her that I missed her and that I love her for a long time. This time I'm determined to let her know that I missed her and that I have loved her for a long time. This time I'm determined to let her know my true feelings for her and that I could not contain anymore the love that I have for her.
I reached for their house. I saw her older sister and I approached her. I smiled at her but I noticed that she didn't smiled back. I was confused for she used to be a cheerful young lady, just like my dear Sam. I then asked, "Hi Jean! I guessed you're surprised why I'm here. Well, I just want to visit you and I was also hoping to see Sam. I kind of miss her you know. Umm… by the way, have you seen her?" all I see was sadness in her eyes as she replied quietly, "Come, follow me."
I was confused with the way she's acting but still I followed her. As we were walking, I was trying to indulge her in a conversation. But she just answered my questions briefly. Then I realized that she was leading me to the direction of the lake. It was the same as I left it, with the same oak tree that Sam and I used to climb. I smiled upon remembering the kiss Sam gave me when I agreed to be her partner. It's been one of the happiest days in my life, and I've realized that I miss Sam more than I thought. Then Jean stopped walking and pointed the tree. She then whispered, "There's Sam."
I looked at where she was pointing and saw a newly dug tomb with the name of the girl I have ever loved. I could not believe at what I saw and I desperately tried convincing myself that this is all a nightmare and I would soon wake up. I stared at Jean in disbelief with my eyes searching for explanations and slowly started crying. "It has been a week before she died. She died of leukemia, but even though she was sick, she never stopped thinking of you. It was even your name she uttered before she died. She asked us to burry her here for she always regards this place as a place of love. She said that this is where she has spent the happiest days of her life, and that was when she was with you. By the way, she also asked me to give you this." She handed me a small parcel, and with that she left.
I slowly opened the parcel and saw that it contained the dried orchid from the corsage I gave her for our prom. Then at the bottom I saw the letter. It was dated last month. I opened it with shaking hands and started reading. . . . . . . .
Dear Chris,
I know that by this time you read this letter, I'm gone. I just want to tell you that I feel very lucky and thankful to God that I had a friend like you. I would also like to let you know that I felt something inside, something I kept from you all these years. I LOVE YOU, Chris… not in a friendly way but as one who would feel like spending the rest of my life with. I have always loved you even from the start. I guess it just bloomed each day of my life when you were by my side. You just don't know how I dreamed of you at night and wake up in the morning and dream no more for you are with me. When you are away, I can't stop crying because I'm afraid to think that you are with another girl. I just want you all by myself. I may sound selfish, but that's how I feel. Each time you held me close to you was like a dream coming true, for to be close to you and to feel your heart beating next to mine was heaven. There are so many things I did so that you will learn to love me, but I NEVER saw a hint. I did everything to please you because I love you so much, that I even started to fool myself that you are in love with me too! So many nights I've cried when I think of myself unloved by you.
Well, you might think that what I am saying are lies but my heart speaks the truth.. For I cannot bear telling a lie to the one I love.
I know you might be thinking of Mark. But I just did that to make you feel jealous, to make you see me as a young woman capable of loving and not as the girl you used to play with. Sometimes, I imagined that you were jealous and fooled myself that it was a sign that you feel something for me, too. When Mark and I broke up and I came crying, I did that to know how would you react and with that I'll know that you love me, too. But I failed for you didn't even give me a clue. When our prom night came, you just don't know how happy I was when you handed me that corsage saying that I was the loveliest girl in the world. When we were dancing, I wanted desperately to hear you say that you love me, but you NEVER did. When Mark came and pleaded me to give him a second chance, I was scared that you might see us talking. I don't want you to get the wrong impression so I told him we would talk in the garden. There, I explained to him that it's you whom I really love. What happened next is that I found you missing and later learned that you were searching for me. I just concluded that you saw us together. The next day, I tried to explain but you never gave me the chance to do so. You continuously avoided me, and you never knew how much pain I've experienced that time. I felt the world crushing on me. In our graduation day, when I approached you, I wanted to tell you how much I love you, but I decided that I just couldn't do it. I could not bear to hear, that all you feel for me is just a brotherly hand of love, for I want you to love me as a woman and not as a girl or a playmate. So, I just turned away and left.
Now that saying I LOVE YOU might be too late, still I want you to know that I will always love you and my heart has always been, and will always be yours.
Love,
Sam
P.S.
Think of me sometimes… and always remember that loving you was the best thing that ever happened in my life.
I felt my tears falling as I folded the letter. I wanted to shout out to her to let her know that I love her.. If not as much, but more than she is for me. I love her more than anything in this world. I knelt touching her grave in the soil and the rain started to fall. I continued crying softly and whispered, "Oh God, SEND MY LOVE TO HEAVEN…!"
**I saw this story from my cousin's blog post..I've read of this one before but this was the only time that I was able to copy it..I really liked the story and hope you do to..It is such a touching story and one that is full of lessons in which we can use in our day to day lives.."Send My Love To Heaven..Send My Love To Him".. Take Care always! Love you lots!!!
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